September 20th, 2007 at 4:34 am edit

Grief, what is grief. not good grief….sorrow, anguish, heartache, pain, misery.
How can you have all those feelings at once.
The grief of seeing your loved one in a coffin
The grief of watching your loved one lose rational thought.
The grief of not being able to console your siblings, surviving parent, children, grandchildren.
Intellectually, you know it is a process. Does that lessen the pain? The grief? The ANGUISH? The sorrow? The misery? no
Time, time is the healer……That’s what they say.
I rage…I rage at simplistic euphemisms.
My brother,, yesterday we were listening to Supertramp (take the long way home) that was 13 years, that was yesterday when you passed with AIDS related complications.
My sister….my beautiful sister…yesterday, when cancer was eating away at you.
That was almost 10 years, that was yesterday.
My Dad, My Dad, My Dad. My Dad that was yesterday.

I might hate myself in the morning (mourning?) for doing this, but here goes ….

I have just been so upset the past few days and it seems to deepen in me more and more. I’ve tried to remain positive and look for the light, but the constant trips to the doctor, even though I’ve opted for no treatment are wearing on me. I feel like I’m on exhibit and have to beg for any sort of real help from medical “professionals”.

It was a trip to go and get my records from one doctor, (which were incomplete and filled with outright lies about me) and take them to another doctor who I am not even sure will be willing or able to help me, then a trip to the new doctor’s office to drop off the records, and get a date when he will see me, only to find out I won’t be seen by the actual doctor but his assistant and I can’t see the actual doctor who I might not even like for another month – In the meantime, I’ve had edema for some reason and had trouble getting up and walking, going up and down stairs in this two story house, I am having much pain, I can’t sleep and I have lost 10 pounds since March. I only weigh 95 pounds now and cannot really afford to lose much more.

This is so scary and rotten and I just feel on the outside of everything. My emotional health is ….about null…. my poor husband is taking the brunt of my raw edges and on top of that I am very worried about my oldest son who is drinking himself to death at a rapid rate and after watching my father bleed to death at age 52, I am just so very afraid for my son. I know my son has to go through what he has to go through, like we all have, but he’s my son.

I don’t mean to just fall apart here but I am. Sometimes the grief is overwhelming and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do. Prayer, meditation, anything. I can’t post this on my own blog, I know both my sons read it and I don’t want my family to worry more than they already are. I am just so tired and hurt and afraid and now panic stricken. I’m ready to die in my heart and I’ve made peace with that when I was first diagnosed, but my family…. the grief tonight is just more than I can bear – well, I guess I can get through it, but it hurts and I just feel so broken by it.

I am sorry to let it all out here

Grief is curious, it can break you, drive you into the darkest part of your soul. The sounds that escape your mind and the echo that is released from the deepest part of your core. I have experienced grief, and no two versions are the same. I just hope you do not have to experience such a weird emotion in your time. Your time should be filled with…something else.There is a point when the grief lingers and dissipates. You are then left with emptiness, what have you then?

Grief can be a very personal, individualized feeling, shared by no two people in exactlly the same way. While, yes, the majority of feelings may be similar. We each personalize our grieve based on our feelings, emotions and past life experiences. Others may share very very similiar feelings but no one else can experience it in exactly the same way as you do.

I am dying, my story can be found on the attached link to Dying Man’s Daily Joural. I have found journaling my feelings has been a tremendous help. Not everyone has or even wants a journal. However, on occasion may feel a need to express or get feelings and emotions out. That is the purpose of this site. To offer all a chance to express their feelings or to tell their story in a safe nonjudgemental site. Maybe, even getting a small bit of relief by getting thoughts and feelings out.

All comments are welcome, please feel free to express your feelings or tell your story.

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