I might hate myself in the morning (mourning?) for doing this, but here goes ….
I have just been so upset the past few days and it seems to deepen in me more and more. I’ve tried to remain positive and look for the light, but the constant trips to the doctor, even though I’ve opted for no treatment are wearing on me. I feel like I’m on exhibit and have to beg for any sort of real help from medical “professionals”.
It was a trip to go and get my records from one doctor, (which were incomplete and filled with outright lies about me) and take them to another doctor who I am not even sure will be willing or able to help me, then a trip to the new doctor’s office to drop off the records, and get a date when he will see me, only to find out I won’t be seen by the actual doctor but his assistant and I can’t see the actual doctor who I might not even like for another month – In the meantime, I’ve had edema for some reason and had trouble getting up and walking, going up and down stairs in this two story house, I am having much pain, I can’t sleep and I have lost 10 pounds since March. I only weigh 95 pounds now and cannot really afford to lose much more.
This is so scary and rotten and I just feel on the outside of everything. My emotional health is ….about null…. my poor husband is taking the brunt of my raw edges and on top of that I am very worried about my oldest son who is drinking himself to death at a rapid rate and after watching my father bleed to death at age 52, I am just so very afraid for my son. I know my son has to go through what he has to go through, like we all have, but he’s my son.
I don’t mean to just fall apart here but I am. Sometimes the grief is overwhelming and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do. Prayer, meditation, anything. I can’t post this on my own blog, I know both my sons read it and I don’t want my family to worry more than they already are. I am just so tired and hurt and afraid and now panic stricken. I’m ready to die in my heart and I’ve made peace with that when I was first diagnosed, but my family…. the grief tonight is just more than I can bear – well, I guess I can get through it, but it hurts and I just feel so broken by it.
I am sorry to let it all out here
June 5, 2007 at 5:15 am |
I can’t say much that would make sense here. So I will just leave a hug.
R.
June 5, 2007 at 8:03 am |
Fall a part all you want sis……we all have ….. we all do….. and we all will. I wish I could give you some words of actual “put in your bank account value” but I can’t……What I can offer you and thanks to Brother Bill, is a place to express, vent….and just maybe there’s actually someone that listens…..Trust me…..or better yet Bill……….He and I have never met…..but I know that’s why this place was set up. Bill and I have both told you have brother’s here……..of course Bill’s much more reliable than me……but hey, that’s why the Lord led him to open this site. We’re listening…..and trust me there is an Angelic host listening as well and that you can bank on.
May The Lord Give You Comfort My sister,
Your Brother Reg
June 5, 2007 at 10:57 am |
Don’t be sorry to let it all out.
However broken you may feel right now, your entity, your you-ness, your soul is still in there. You are so much stronger than you think. Hang in there and have a hug.
BC
June 5, 2007 at 12:07 pm |
# Sandy, csj Says:
June 4th, 2007 at 4:53 pm edit
Dear Ruby,
It’s ok to fall apart, to let it out, to rage about the insensitivity of some in the medical professions. I’m glad Bill has provided a safe space for you do so, and I hope and pray that there are people in your life with whom you can let it all out face-to-face without worrying about hurting them. Even if it’s a counselor or therapist who you pay to listen and support you… I know that when I get seriously depressed, full of rage, or otherwise deeply disturbed, I need to seek out help, whether it’s a therapist, an AA sponsor, a spiritual director, or even a very patient, generous, and accepting friend.
I don’t know if it will help you, but I have this little saying that helps me to keep on keeping on when things get me down. You know that saying that was popular on bumper stickers a while back? “S$@& Happens!”? Well, when I’m feeling that way, I tell myself that God makes really good fertilizer, and start looking for signs of growth, perhaps in different places than I have looked in the past. You see, I don’t believe in a God that sends me hardships to test me or strengthen me. I imagine when I am in pain, grief, that God is weeping right along with me. AND, I do believe that DESPITE whatever crap comes my way, God will give me what I need to deal with it, one day at a time, or if necessary, one hour or minute at a time.
Sometimes it’s not until I’m well through an ordeal that I can look back to see the fruit of this outlook on life, and that really sucks sometimes. But if I can just hang in there long enough, the transformation comes.
I hope you are feeling a little bit better today, and it’s OK if you’re not.
June 5, 2007 at 12:09 pm |
# Martha Mihaly Says:
June 4th, 2007 at 5:59 pm edit
Hi Rubyshooz,
I’ve emailed you something. I hope you find it helpful. I am also emailing a separate hug. You should feel it hit you about NOW.
Martha
June 5, 2007 at 12:13 pm |
# Bernie Says:
June 5th, 2007 at 6:25 am edit
Off the top of my head, and from my heart. First, I feel so bad that our medical profession has been so heartless toward you. I find it interesting that you came to terms with this personally when you were first diagnosed. The situation might be more real for you now. But can you tap into some of those early feelings and use it as a springboard for positive feelings.A big problem for you is with your sons. Are you worried you let them dowm in some way?It appears that you love them. Have you let them know your deep love for them. I agree with Sr. Sandy, transformation takes a long time. Your concern for others indicates something is happening.Thanks for reading this. know of my prayful support. Prayer helps, again it takes time.
June 5, 2007 at 12:14 pm |
# Rachel Says:
June 4th, 2007 at 10:25 pm edit
Ruby and Enreal
I cannot find any words to give you right now, but I offer my love and prayers.
God be with you both
love Rachel xoxo
June 5, 2007 at 12:46 pm |
(((((((((((Ruby)))))))))))))))
No one wants to watch their child reel out of control.
I know that pain, that helpless feeling. It worse than any pain I’ve ever had to deal with. The fear for my child make my heart ache…….and I just plain miss that child who loved so well. My heart hurts for you–and oh how I wish there were a simple answer, a painless one to offer up.
*sigh* I hang on to hope–sometimes more loosely than others, but hanging on is what I CAN do, yaknow?
I know we all have our shining moments, when we carry the truths of our lives more graciously than others.
I was always hard on me for what I assumed was a totally lack of dignity and grace in how I was handling what was present in my life, when I cried and got angry and let the sadness wash over me.
Carrying that solo seemed like the wiser thing. Letting that fall on those around me, on those who were doing their own struggles and ‘needed’ me to be in a different spot (or so I thought), felt ……….bad.
Letting others walk through the uck with me has never been one of my strong suits.
Yet it’s been that ‘company along the way’ that’s kept me sane and moving forward, if even in baby steps.
(((((((((((Ruby)))))))))))))
Huge leaps to let people walk with you….
*sending prayers and peacefilled thoughts*
June 5, 2007 at 2:00 pm |
Sending all the Angels in all the heavens to your side.
Love and Light,
Simonne xx
June 5, 2007 at 4:15 pm |
Thank you all and I don’t know how I got to the top of the list here, but I’m not sure I like it. I was going to ask that my outpouring of grief be deleted here, but it seems like it’s too late for that.
I appeciate the kind thoughts everyone and I’ve gone into some depth on my own blog about answers to well, at least one of the questions posed here to me but I would add here that of course I feel that I’ve let my kids down. Not being there for our kids is just not right and I don’t know any way to be at peace with it. My mother didn’t either when she was dying.
I’ll just leave it at that along with many thanks.
June 7, 2007 at 2:45 pm |
God will take care of your children, as He is with you at this moment, aiding you in each small task and getting you through each long night. Praying for you.
June 7, 2007 at 7:35 pm |
I may not have any words of wisdom for ya , but I have to good ear to listen to ya , and to somewhat good arms to prayfor ya or with ya, and huggs too!
hang in there!
September 21, 2007 at 9:56 am |
Blimey Ruby, I just don`t know what to say to this to be honest, I`m really crap at this..Gud`ol reserved Englishman crap at its worst!!
But i wish you Strength Love and Compassion always in your struggles…there ARE people out here that care for each other and for YOU.